Winter Storm

As I stumble up the steps, hope fills my being.
I knock loudly on the door; knock, knock, knock.

A cold winter storm rages behind me.
Gusts of snow blow up agents the back of my body.
As I stand shivering, I rub my hands vigorously.
They are so cold! Nearly frostbitten.
I wonder to myself how long it would take me to get warm.
I knock again; knock, knock, knock.
I shift my weight quickly from one leg to the other.
I know the more I move the warmer I will stay.
The cold bitter wind stings my face and chills me to the bone.
“Where is he?!”
With the thought that maybe he hadn’t heard me, I pound loudly on the door. Pound, pound, pound.
A few seconds go by... No response.
No longer concerned about how my rude knocking will be taken, I take both firsts to the door.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
“Where is he?! He said he was going to be here! Maybe he lied. Maybe it was all a lie...”
I bang on the door again; Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Every blow feels like a thousand needles piercing my fists.

I turn and look out towards where I have come from.
The snow is coming down fast and I can hardly see the pathway.
There is no way I'm going back out there. There is no way!
I turn back towards the door; bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
In desperation I begin calling out... yet with no reply.
Fear fills my being, “what if he doesn’t come?”

I cannot feel my figures or my toes. Soon my whole body will be frostbitten.
I continued banging; bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Tears sting in my eyes and freeze to my face as they fall.
My body is conversing uncontrollably.

Anger and confusion fill my mind. "Why isn’t he answering?”
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!
No longer able to hold myself up, I slumped to the bottom of the door.
I sit with my face pressed up agents the wood door frame and with one fist… pound, pound, pound.
I know there is no way he can hear my pounding if he cant hear my banging, but I have no strength left to muster.
With the snow falling fast and the nights cold becoming arctic, I give the door one last pound.
I'm not even sure if my fist is hitting the door, my hand is completely numb.

Weak, broken and confused I let my body fall onto the porch floor.
I have nothing left, I can hardly move.
I managed to pull my knee’s up towards my chest and wrap my arms around my shoulders.
My body has stopped convulsing and I lay completely still.
With my eyes closed my mind begins to slow.
I feel a blanket of warmth creep up through my senses.
I dont care that its not real, It feels better then the pain.
I drift off into oblivion, trying not to care that he doesn't want me…

-------

There is a ringing in my ears... my head feels like a thousand pounds... I am disoriented and confused... what is this?

My blackened vision becomes blurry and then goes out again. Yet I feel a safety and warmth that is unfamiliar.

Everything is quiet. I lay still. Slowly regaining consciousness...

As my blurred vision clears, I see him gazing down at me.
I realized he is holding me... so close its almost uncomfortable.

For a moment everything seems OK and I am at peace.
For a second I accept this security.

Then suddenly my mind clears and a bitter reality hits.
"What about the past? What about leaving me in the cold?"
I begin to squirm as rejection and abandonment take over.
I avoid his gaze, wondering if he can be trusted.
Then suddenly my insecurities turn to anger and It is to much to take.
The tears begin to fall fast as I feel all the pain of the past.

"How do you think this is OK?
What about the past 10 YEARS of my life?
All the hours spent on my face...
All the times I begged you to love me...
I gave you everything!
You are the only thing I wanted!"
I am weeping now... I cannot believe that someone who loves me would let me go through something like that.
No loving Father would have let it happen!

I want to hate him,  for he has caused me so much pain.
Its like a twisted relationship that I cant let go of.
I look up at him and see sadness in his eyes, I realize that he is crying to... he is sharing in this pain.
I am confused and disillusioned. "I don't understand" I sob.
He holds me tighter and though I accept it, I cannot accept the past.

My sobbing eventually slows and grief-stricken I fall asleep in His arms.....

(resolution)

For a long time I lay still, trying to make sense of it all.
For a long time I let him hold me.
Slowly my stiffened body become more comfortable in his embrace.
Slowly my frozen heart begins to melt.

As the pain subsides I look up at him; I believe it, He is love.
I begin to stir but as I do he tightens his embrace.
I look up at him confused, "I'll be ok, you can let me go now."
"I don't want to let you go" he responds, "I want to be close to you always."

I am stunned; "really? your not just going to fix me and send me away?"
It takes a second to realize he is serious.
But his embrace continues strong and relieves the doubt in my mind.

I begin again to cry, as I catch a glimpse of his heart.
And as I look into his eyes, I begin to see the reality of the past.

The lies of a dark religion, the abuse that robbed my innocence.
The vow I made that froze my heart, the walls I built that kept him out.
I see myself back in that place, pounding on the door, frozen and overcome with rejection.
Then I see him there with me, He is weeping and saying my name. He is sitting next to me on the porch floor, overcome with grief. He is crying to his Father, "let her see me here."

I can see that it hurt him even as it hurt me... my misplaced rejection breaking his heart.

As I slump to the floor and drift into unconsciousness, he begins to sob. He gently picks up my frozen body and holds me close in his embrace. His tears continue to fall as I lay limp in his arms.
Time passes slowly...

The vision fades and the reflection in his eyes turns back to me. I am overcome with so many emotions. He is happy.
With new eyes I realize it is a starlit night. We are on the porch of a house which looks out upon the vast ocean.
I look up at him with wonder.
He smiles and kisses me on the forehead.

More tears, more weeping, more revelation of his love.
As I learn to enjoy his pleasure over me... as I learn to be his little girl.