I sit on the floor of the van with the doors swung open.
I am at Ocean Beach in San Diego, parked at the very end of the parking lot. I have a view of the quiet end of the beach, though the sand dunes block the sight of the water. It is the most peaceful spot I have found since coming here to the city. Planes fly close and loud overhead, and a man washes his hair in the public beach shower. He makes loud growing noises as he suffers through the cold water. It is in the upper 50’s.
I decided very quickly that I do not like San Diego. It is loud and overcrowded.
One thing I did not consider when moving into the van, was how I would deal with all the noise. I am surrounded by cars everywhere, and even the scenic places I’ve found to park have people and traffic all around. Perhaps If I wasn’t alone, the noise wouldn’t be so deafening. But I am alone now, and I am realizing very quickly that it is hard to find peace in the middle of the city. Then I wonder to myself if I am just making excuses; looking for another reason to leave and go find something new.
We humans have a habit of looking to the future; thinking our happiness and fulfillment is just around the corner. I’ve achieved enough to know that this is never the case, happiness and fulfillment is something that comes from the inside.
I have this philosophy… this practice I’ve started using in my dating life; It is to view each person as a shooting star. The time I share with them is a gift, an opportunity to learn and connect. And that connection is beautiful and wonderful and most times fleeting. Perhaps I need to learn to experience time and location in this way...
I anticipated spending quite a bit of time in this city, but maybe it is not the place for me. Maybe I will change course and move on quickly, but in the meantime I don’t want to miss out on the experience. There are so many things I could learn, ways to be touched and beauty to see.
So though I now want to run back to the peaceful desert sands, I will choose to open my heart and find peace from within. I will choose to live fully today.