April 30, 2017

By Jamiejoy Lidberg


It's Sunday morning,
The airstream still doesn't have heat.
My Mr buddy heater is humming in the corner
I sip my coffee, grateful that these cold spells are extremely rare for this time of year.

There is a young man who lives in an artist studio next to me.
He sits on his roof and plays the flute.

Normally It would wake me
And I would turn over amoungst clouds of pillows and blankets.
But today I am up early, ready for a full day of work.

I've been here one day short of a month. It has been an up and down transition.

I love the airstream
Until something else goes wrong.
Then I find myself feeling overwhelmed and inadequate.
"I shouldn't have to be worried about my hot water heater exploding. I don't have the money to pay an electrician to fix my fuse box".

Somehow though everything is eventually taken care of,
And I continue to remind myself that this is all just part of the process.

There are other things...
Things I fail to be able to articulate.
Like why every time I sit down to meditate tears come streaming from my eyes.

I've had this before in a good way, but this time it is heavy.

Perhaps stress, the process of change, but also grieving and letting go of certain aspects in my life.

There have been days I've woken up with a huge list of things to do, and just laid on the couch for hours feeling completely overwhelmed.

I know I can overcome it, self affirmation and position thinking can carry one a mile.
But I also know the importance of fully feeling whatever going on, because only then can you detox from it.

I have detoxed.
My heart has healed enough to be able to share with you.
To be vulnerable
And to let you see that though
I love the path I've have chosen, it is in no way pain free.

I rejoice in this.
Because pain means that I opened my heart enough to love
Enough to feel
Enough to be affected.

This is what I want.
For I have found the joy and connection I receive in return far outweighs any moment of pain.

It is my goal to live open.
To share my heart with as many people and in as many places as possible.

Because from it your heart can only grow and expand.

I am growing.
I am expanding.