Finding my brave

Finding my brave

I was going to post this picture before I left MN. This is a necklace I bought in Alaska which reads “Brave”.

You’ve probably seen my posts about this before… I don’t feel brave, there are risks I have been too afraid to take, real bravery is living out of your heart, it’s being honest.

Well here’s some cold, hard honestly that I have been afraid to share until now: I hated Alaska.

I tried so, so hard to put a positive spin on things, to practice gratitude, to be optimistic.
I know I’m lucky to have gotten such an amazing opportunity. I know there are many people who dream of being able to visit AK.

But the reality was that life was hard and I was very isolated. When I wasn’t at work feeling inadequate (trying to catch up to a team that had been trained in months before me), or biking through terrible weather, or trying to get cell service, I was at the apt alone, drinking.

I knew it wasn’t healthy, I even thought about leaving. But it was a 2 and a half month contract… was it really that bad?
Towards the end I made an amazing friend who helped to salvaged the experience. And I did (as you may have seen in my videos) get to go on some amazing adventures!

I am grateful for that. I am grateful for the experience. I am grateful for all the lessons I learned. But when people ask if I’ll go back and I respond; “maybe, I’d rather travel to somewhere new”, what I actually mean is “Hell, no!”

I didn’t (and still don’t) want people to think I am negative or ungrateful for such an amazing opportunity, and while I don’t think AK was a “mistake”, It was most definitely was a cop out.

It was me looking for a parachute instead of finding my wings. It was grasping to security: a job: money, instead of trusting and pursuing what it is I really want to do.

This is also what the poem I posted a while back (Security Vs. Freedom) was all about. Not specifically life on the road, but stepping into something new/risky/transcending your boundaries, Vs. settling in what is comfortable.

MN was security, and it felt so fucking good! I may not have the closest relationships with my family, but the month I spent there was amazing! I forgot how good it feels to be surrounded by people who love you.
And sometimes that support is all you need to realize that “freedom is the one”.

I was going to post about that, and inspiration and choosing bravery. 
I was going to to post this picture with some inspiring words; telling you that I’m stepping up, that I’m planning to write a book, that I want to share so much more of my heart and my journey…

But to be honest (again) I am still trying to convince myself that I have what it takes. 
I’m still battling the negativity in my head and wondering if I will even have enough courage to hit the post button at the end of this.

Maybe I will post this and fail at writing a book. Maybe I will cop out and have to take another job I hate. Maybe I will go back to security and disappoint all the other nomadic souls. Maybe I will brake the promise I made to myself when I left AK; “I will be brave. I will take the risk”.

I guess I’m just posting this to let you know where I’m at. I’ve been silent for a while now because I didn’t have the courage to voice all of this. I wanted a resolution. I wanted a definite plan. I thought that by now, I would have mustered up enough self confidence to be sure about things.

I still dont have an answer. Im just taking life day by day.
But maybe telling you all of this can be a good start. Maybe voicing my fears and insecurity can be the first step of my being brave.

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