The Affair

The Affair

I’m having an affair with security.
I’ve taken her trip and fallen.

I woke up in her bed this morning with her arms wrapped around me.
I pretended I was still asleep, I could not bring myself to leave.

The sun rays shown in through the old white Victorian Windows.
A gently breeze blew through the large open room.
There was a magic in the air; Such peace, such love.
And as I let it envelope my body, I wondered if I was making a mistake…

I haven’t felt this way in a long time.
I don’t wake up this way with freedom.

Throughout the day we make a mess of the kitchen,
we cuddle up and read by the fire. 
She holds my hand and smiles
as we walk the city streets.

Stability has never been able to keep me before.
I fled her draws long ago.
But there’s something about her smile, her eyes, and the way she hold me…
She makes me feel something different… safe.

She doesn’t change with the weather or blow with the wind.
She is steady.
With her the rain is just another opportunity to stay in bed and make love.

Security freely speaks the words I’m so afraid to voice to freedom.
She is generous with her time, her affection, her love
She kisses my wounds. Her figures trace the scars on my body;
“I will never leave you. You are enough. You are worthy”.

With her there is no risk, she is ready for commitment
“I want to build a life with you”. she whispers in my ear.

Silently I think back to my love affair with freedom.
I knew I loved him before we ever even met.

All the poems I wrote about him…
The way he turned my face flush.  
I was afraid to hope that we could ever be together.
And yet he saw me and extended his hand.

I took it with ultimate devotion and left everything behind.

During our first week together I had his name tattooed across my skin.

I use to look down on such irrational love.
I use to say that men were all but shooting stars.
But freedom was the sun, he melted me.

Freedom opens my eyes to the world around me,
he challenges me, he teaches me to fly.
He believes in all of my lofty dreams,
and when the world is crumbling down, he drives me far away from it all.

With him I am consistently growing and expanding.
With him I am my best self.

But he doesn’t hold me when I’m lonely.
He doesn’t kiss my neck in the morning.
There are no rainy days spent in bed together.
He is strong and forging forward.

Life with him is an adventure. It is fast paced and ever changing.
It is also raw, and uncomfortable and sometimes very emotional.

With him there is no guarantee, no plan for the future,
he does not believe in marriage. he did away with commitment  long ago. 
And yet I adore every part of him,
There is no other, he has always been the one.

But sometimes I beg him with my eyes; 
“Can we slow down for just a minute?
Can we stop and take a break?
Will you just hold me and make me feel safe?”

I love freedom. I love our life together.
But I am not always strong…  And I am not always brave.

We worked beautifully
for a time.
Until my legs gave out underneath me,
and I watched him leave me behind.

And so I cried a river
there on my own,

That is where security found me.
and carried me to a place she calls home.

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