To Stay or To Go

To Stay or To Go

I have back home from TN for a week now. The cold weather is setting in and gives me a panicky feeling. “Not another winter!”.

I promised myself last winter that it would be my last… I said the same thing the past two winters before that. Yet now somehow I am faced with that decision again; leaving in the worst of circumstances or staying yet again.

Regardless of what we decide to do with the Airstream, it is going to take some time. This means that if I was to leave with the van and travel now, I would be stuck with the Airstream loan payment and no source of income to pay it off. I’ve debating leaving anyway… I could find work on the road. I could busk, sell stuff, pick up gigs or temp jobs. But I’m trying to build more then just a year of the nomad lifestyle, and I know that though I may be able to make it for a little while now, it would be a bigger setback later on.

Coming to this realization is devastating. I have already been waiting and planning for years! And I so believe that our lives are what we make them; either complacency in acknowledging our choices and power, or building something beautiful despite the unideal. Staying feels like settling, like giving in, like living in someone else’s world when the one I dream of is right within my grasp.

I reread my “when your dream turns into a nightmare” blog post the other day and the most upsetting thing about it was a statement I used towards the end… “if this falls through it will be two years of my life wasted”. I can get over loosing some money, I can find another way to live out my dream, but I will never get back the past two years I spent slaving at a dead end job. Telling myself “only a couple more months” (so many times), and “it will all be worth it in the end”. On top of that I put off so many things I wanted to be pursing, because I was exhausted from work and because “I know I’ll have time when I’m on the road”.

These are all things that I have spent time thinking about over the past week. There were also many tears, some angry moments, and two days in which I hardly got out of bed. But then I thought about my family, my friends, my health, and the fact that I can do whatever I want with my life.

I am staying (until the new year), but I will not be sacrificing any more of my time.

I’m choosing to live each moment present and with gratitude.
I’m taking responsibility for what my life can be NOW, despite still having to work 40 hours a week.
I’m making huge goals.
I’m prioritizing my time.
I’m surrounding myself with positivity.
I’m embracing my powers.

Ive had this idea that on the road, I might become something great…
But what might I become in the next few months?

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